Difficulty in Grieving while Raising a Child

Some of you may know that I recently lost my brother. It was a tragic surprise for all of us. He has undergone a heart bypass and it was successful. But 7 hours post-surgery, his heart just stopped. They tried to resuscitate him for 30 minutes. He was still unconscious when it happened, so he was sleeping when he passed.

We're devastated.

I am writing today just to share the pain I'm going through because maybe this will help me heal. Maybe this would help you understand the person who is going through bereavement.

Let me go back to that scene where we go the Viber call from my kuya's wife. I was taking a nap before my phone rang. I remember that we were all anxious since Sunday and felt relieved after kuya's successful heart bypass. I really lived and breathed law of attraction that day -- we even sent a video over our Viber group that we're ...

It was October 23, 2020 when I wrote my thoughts and story above that was cut short.

It's now May 27, 2021.

I can't even remember why I wasn't able to finish it.

It's been 7 months since my brother's demise. And from time to time I still catch myself crying whenever I think of the reality that he is now gone.

The difficulty of grieving when you have a toddler who you have to entertain and shower love all over is mentally exhausting. I always have to put a mask on, set my mindset into the present, and prioritize matters over my emotion.

Whenever I look at our family videos or photos with my kuya in it brings me to tears, and my son doesn't want to see me crying. He ALWAYS tells, "no, no, no, nanay. No more Tito Elmer. No crying please." He was actually telling me not to look at my brother's photos or videos because he doesn't want me sad. I'm very vocal about my emotions unlike before, I keep it to myself. But from time to time I still do it especially now that I'm aware that my son doesn't want me to cry or be sad. It upsets him too. He witnessed the moment I literally broke down upon hearing my brother's passing.

I vividly remember that moment. I can't think straight. I don't know where to go, what to do, what to say, and I wailed uncontrollably. I don't want my husband nor my son near me. It was so painful.

The pain that I'm feeling over losing my brother is way different from the time when my father passed. Totally different because I wasn't there near him due to the pandemic, but I badly want to go there before his surgery. I just can't because my son needs me, and I can't drive the car going there. I know how to drive but not an automatic SUV. It's not safe for me to drive alone in that state too.

My brother and I weren't that close. But we love each other, we're just not vocal about it, and we understand each other more. He was always there to help me in so many ways. We barely talk about personal things. It just felt awkward. I actually knew more about him when his friends shared stories about him. That's when I realized that we are pretty much alike in motivating people to pursue their goals or craft. I never knew that he was the president of Freehands in college! I never knew that he wrote poems!

All I know that he's my kuya who doesn't want to come home (lol), who loves music of all sorts (he even owned Shania Twain's cassette lol), who is very artistic and talented, who thinks out of the box, and a foodie.

I was actually working while listening to my playlist on Spotify before writing this blogpost when I suddenly thought of him and his profile photo is on my Messenger. It brought me to tears. And so I turned my tracker off and blog about this....grief.

I thought I was able to move on.

I haven't.

I just put these thoughts and feelings at the back of my mind.

I thought that it's easier for me to move on since I'm used to not seeing him or talking to him for months unless he needed something or he just wanted to talk about business or gadgets. It's not.

Grief is fear.

I can't talk to anyone about this. Thank you technology for creating blog sites! I don't want to be a burden to friends or family and suck their energies into my sorrow.

Sigh.

I miss you, dad, and our pets terribly. Please watch over us, especially Oyo.